The Bride of Pester
by Epic Laughter
Summary: Professor Pester's most fiendish plot yet is coming together quite splendidly...
1. Chapter 1

Eddie was always proud of his garden. Sure, it was a bit small, but it had just enough room for him and wasn't a terrible amount of work. It made him happy that all of his beloved reptile piñatas had a place to roam.

There was a Red-Eye Rainbow in the very center of the garden. Eddie had always loved how it looked; the fact that it prevented too many fights from breaking out among his piñatas was an excellent bonus too. A few areas surrounded by clean picket fences housed several different kinds of explosively colorful flowers and there was a small pond in the corner with a surface that was covered with water lilies. The edges of his garden were lined with piñata houses, most of them gray and temple-like. Eddie had never been too fond of those drab colors; it was such a shame he could never find time to repaint them.

Eddie was waiting under an oak tree for his guest, his beloved pink Geckie Ari asleep on his lap. He absent-mindedly stroked her papery back as he kept his eyes on the twisting path into his garden.

"You don't think she'd stand me up, do you?" Eddie whispered to his piñata companion, terror creeping into his voice. Ari quietly sighed in response and Eddie took that as a 'no.'

"Yes, you're right, Ari, I just need to have faith!" Eddie rolled up his sleeve to check his watch. "Besides, she's only fifteen seconds late…"

Another minute passed and Eddie was starting to get a little twitchy.

"Ariiiiii," he said through clenched teeth, tapping his Geckie on the head. She opened her purple eyes and squinted up at him, her face flickering annoyance. "Maxime wouldn't stand me up, would she? We're friends! I helped her with her sewing last week and she looked so happy…she even gave me a high five when we finished!" Eddie looked at the palm of the very hand that had high-fived Maxime, his cheeks reddening at the memory. "She would have alerted me if she was too busy to visit today…" Eddie reached into his pocket to check his Alert System, but stopped when he heard a female voice call from a small distance away.

"Eddie? Is that you muttering to yourself?"

Eddie's heart swelled when he heard that familiar voice. He gently placed Ari on the grass and rose to his feet. "Yeah, it's me! You're on the right track; just keep following the path!"

Maxime finally stepped into his line of sight, wearing an extremely long patterned dress and oversized sunhat. Eddie strode over to her as she looked around the garden, a small smile on her lips.

"So…what do you think?" Eddie put his hands behind his back and leaned forward eagerly.

"Tinier than I thought…" Maxime folded her arms, her dark eyes still sweeping over the garden. "Figured a rich guy like you would have an enormous plot of land to work with…"

"Ah, I just have time for a little gardening," Eddie admitted. "I couldn't keep up with a large plot. I specialize in reptiles, anyway, so I won't have a thousand different species running around."

"So I see…" Maxime eyed an orange Jameleon as it padded on by her. She looked up and her eyes widened as she pointed across the garden. "Holy crap! What lives in _that_ thing?"

Eddie turned and saw that Maxime was pointing towards the largest piñata house. It towered over everything else in the garden and looked like a large stone temple with three snake heads carved into it.

"Oh, I'll show you!" Eddie was so eager that he could possibly impress Maxime that he practically flew across the garden with her hot on his heels. Eddie picked up his shovel from where it was leaning against a tree and tapped the side of the house.

"Come on out and meet Maxime, girl," he murmured, taking a step back. A few moments later, an enormous, four-headed snake piñata slithered out from the inside of the temple. Two of its heads yawned enormously, revealing sharp teeth.

Maxime let out a joyous shout. "She's _beautiful_, Eddie! I never saw a piñata like this!" The piñata seemed pleased with her reaction, since it bent its largest head down to Maxime's level and nudged her cheek. "When did you get her?"

"She hatched just a few weeks ago!" Eddie's voice was swollen with pride. "She's a Fourheads and her name is Medusa. She's the rarest piñata I have right now!" Eddie stroked his chin in thought. "I still can't seem to figure out a variant for her, though. It's a shame; I bet it'd look gorgeous…"  
>"You're a smart guy…" Maxime encouraged as she petted one of Medusa's many heads. "I'm sure you'll figure one out eventually!" She turned and gave the garden a quick once-over. "You're pretty much the variant master, from what I can tell."<p>

Eddie blushed at her praise and suddenly took immense interest in his shoes. He was really glad he never gave up on getting to know Maxime. If the P-Factor had taught him anything, it was that she loved to criticize. Compliments from her were few and far between, so he couldn't help blushing like a Salamango with a sunburn whenever she favored him with one.

He was violently ripped from his thoughts when he heard the loud revving of an engine.

"What the-?" He looked up to see a sinister-looking red and black car speeding towards his garden. His eyes grew so wide that his contact lenses nearly popped off when he saw who was driving the vehicle.

The Pestermobile screeched to a halt and Professor Pester lurched out of it, rubbing his hands together greedily. He grinned at Eddie and Maxime, revealing his mask's razor-sharp teeth.

"Oh, no!" Maxime jumped in front of Medusa, holding her arms out protectively. "We are _not_ letting you smash this beautiful piñata, you _bastard!"_

Eddie groaned loudly and fished through his pockets, pulling out his wallet. "How much money will it take to make you go away, Pester?" Since Eddie had a tendency to toss a ridiculous amount of chocolate coins at Pester just to make him go away, Pester liked to stop by his garden a little too often.

"Oh, I'm not here to _smash _anything…" Pester said in what he probably thought was an innocent tone, but it just made him sound extremely creepy. "You shouldn't jump to conclusions! What would your daddy think?"

Eddie felt a flicker of anger when Pester mentioned his father, but he figured it would be best not to raise a stink about that comment. "What on Earth _are_ you here for, then?" Eddie stuffed his wallet back into his pocket, glaring fiercely at Pester. The villain was unaffected, smirking in amusement at Eddie's attempts to intimidate him.

"To put it bluntly…" Pester dashed forward and picked up Maxime like she weighed nothing, throwing her over one of his shoulders. "…your girlfriend!" He laughed hysterically as he ran towards the back of his car, Maxime punching him in the back as hard as she could.

"Put me DOWN, you piece of _shit!" _Maxime roared as she kicked Pester in the stomach. He didn't respond to her hits at all, instead keeping his eyes on his destination

"HEY!" Eddie yelled, grabbing his shovel and taking off after Pester. "LET HER GO!"

Eddie caught up with Professor Pester just as he reached the back of his car, which had a barred metal cage attached to it.

"What do you WANT with her?" Eddie shouted, rounding the corner at the very moment Pester tossed Maxime into the cage and slammed the door behind her. Eddie darted towards Pester without waiting for an answer, his shovel raised in the air.

"That," Pester replied, backhanding Eddie and sending him flying before he could smack him with the shovel. "Is _none of your business!"_ He burst into maniacal laughter when Eddie hit his head on a tree and fell unconscious.

"God DAMN it!" Maxime gripped onto the bars of the cage. "When I get out of here I am going to tear your fat ass off and make you _eat it!"_

"Oh, you won't be going anywhere for a _looooong_ time, my dear!" Pester chortled at Maxime's threat as he hopped into the driver's seat. "There's no one who can save you now, after all!"

Eddie came to just as Pester revved up the engine and sped off, leaving a disgusting dark cloud of exhaust in his wake. Eddie burst into a coughing fit and drew his knees up to his chest. He kept his eyes on the horizon as the Pestermobile disappeared into the distance.

_"Great!"_ Eddie sobbed when his coughing subsided. "What are the odds? Just when things were going well for Maxime and me, _Pester _shows up and snatches her!" Ari, who had been woken up in the panic, padded over to Eddie and nudged his ankle. "Ari," Eddie blubbered through his tears. "He could have the most unspeakable of intentions for her! I don't even want to _THINK_ about that!" Eddie burst into hysterical crying yet again, soaking his knees with his tears.

Ari made an annoyed noise and nudged Eddie's ankle much harder. She got no response other than loud, unattractive sniveling. She huffed again and pattered over to where Eddie had dropped his shovel and grabbed the handle in her mouth. She dragged it over to her owner and bit him on the ankle this time.

"OW, Ari, that is _not_ helping!" Eddie came up from his slump, his normally flawless face bright red and streaked with tears and snot. Ari sighed and nudged Eddie's shovel forward.

"Why'd you bring my shovel over?" Eddie sniffled. "There's nothing I can do now, Pester's already gone."

Ari huffed and gave Eddie a flat look, nudging his shovel towards him yet again.

"Y-you think I should _follow_ him? To his _lair?"_ Eddie felt his heart speed up in his chest. "The only person who ever paid him a house call didn't live to tell the tale!"

Ari rolled her eyes. Eddie was a bit of a coward; of _course_ he'd have to be the only witness to Pester's latest kidnapping.

Eddie thought for a few moments, drawing his knees up to his chest again and hugging them tightly. "Well, I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't even _attempt_ to save Maxime…" Eddie grabbed onto his shovel's handle tightly. "Something's telling me this won't end well…" Eddie staggered to his feet, trying to adapt a look of determination. "Ari," Eddie looked down at his favorite piñata, his tone serious. "If I die, tell my father it was for _love!"_


	2. Chapter 2

Maxime's cage was being wheeled through Pester's lair by a group of Ruffians, Pester striding along behind it and looking Maxime up and down critically.

"I'm going to make you an offer, Professor…" Maxime grabbed the bars of the cage so tightly that her knuckles whitened. "If you let me go now, I won't kick your ass into next week. I won't so much as lay a finger on you. Do we have a deal?"

"Hmmm…" Pester tapped his chin in mock thought. "No. You're _far _too valuable a prize!"

"Fine, then!" Maxime growled. "You won't be smirking like that when I kick you in the shriveled little nuts so hard your _grandchildren _will feel it!"

"Oh, she's a _feisty_ one, isn't she?" Sadistic glee took over Pester's tone as the cage was wheeled into his main control room. "Make sure you move her carefully, Ruffians! Can't afford to let this one get away!"

"What the hell-" Maxime was interrupted by the door to her cage swinging open. Two Ruffians came in and quickly grabbed her, flinging her into a bigger cage in the control room despite her flailing protests and cursing.

Maxime landed on her stomach and got the wind knocked out of her. She groaned and rolled over. When she finally opened her eyes, she saw five other women gazing down at her.

Maxime recognized every single last one of them from her time at the P-Factor and her visits to the village shopping center.

There was Leafos, the oldest daughter of the famed Jardiniero, her hair a mess and her pants grass-stained. She was chewing on her gloved fingertips, obviously fighting back tears.

Sahari, a short girl from the desert, was in even worse shape than Leafos was. Her normally unruly hair was sticking up in an almost comedic manner and her clothes were stained with dirt and sand. She was seething with so much anger that one could almost see smoke coming out of her ears.

Pester had also somehow managed to nab Gretchen Fetchem, the local piñata huntress. Gretchen had her arms folded and was grinding her teeth, extremely angry with herself for allowing herself to be captured like this.

He also nabbed Fannie Franker, the woman who runs the post office. She was covering the mouth of her mask with her hands in shock.

Last but not least, Pester had kidnapped the towering, intimidating Avalon Pendragonache, the woman who ran the races and had a hell of an amazing garden. She was picking at her gloves, her brow creased in worry. Maxime had no clue how Pester managed to swipe her without receiving a good kick in the crotch.

"He got you too, huh?" Leafos whispered with a look of immense sympathy.

"That _bastard_ and his stupid underlings have been rounding up girls _all day!"_ Sahari griped, tearing at her hair.

"I was the first one here," Gretchen, who was usually calm and collected, couldn't hide a small shake in her voice. "I can only hope he doesn't plan on hunting down anyone else…"

"Let me help you up, hon," Fannie Franker offered a hand to Maxime and pulled her to her feet.

"Thank you…" Maxime brushed herself off. "Do any of you know what the _hell_ he has in mind for all of us?"

"I don't think I _want_ to know…" Avalon grumbled, casting Pester an angry glance.

"You better not be speaking rudely about me, ladies!" Pester waggled a finger at them.

"What the hell do you _want_ with us?" Sahari rammed into the side of the cage in a feeble attempt to get out. She stumbled after the impact, clutching her shoulder.

Professor Pester tsk-tsked. "All of your questions will be answered in good time, my dears! I just need to wait for my advisor to get here!"

"His…advisor?" Fannie whispered so only the other girls could hear.

"Dastardos," Avalon answered flatly, narrowing her dark eyes in annoyance.

As if on cue, the grim reaper of piñatas floated right through the door to Pester's control room without even bothering to open it. Fannie cringed and compulsively squeezed Leafos into a shaky hug.

"What did you call me here for, Professor?" Dastardos didn't seem to notice the cage, instead focusing his one-track mind on his boss. "I have piñatas to put out of their misery, you know."

"Ah, some things are more important, my dearest underling!" Pester gestured to the cage with a flourish. "BEHOLD!"

Dastardos' good eye swept over the women in the cage. _Leafos, Fannie, Gretchen, Ava-_

"Wait, Pester, what are you doing with all these girls?" Dastardos' brows nearly flew off of his mask. "Don't tell me you're making some kind of estrogen-powered machine or something."

Pester burst into hysterical laughter, doubling over and clutching his stomach. "N-no, Dastardos! Don't be ridiculous!"

"What _is_ it then?" Dastardos was getting quite irritated. He didn't like it when Pester kept things from him; they were supposed to be in cahoots! It was hard to be partners in crime when only one of the partners knew what the crime was.

"Yeah, what is it?" Sahari yelled from the cage, Avalon and Maxime joining in her chorus of questioning.

"SILENCE!" Pester yelled so extraordinarily loudly that the room shook. He got his wish; the three protesting girls quickly shut their collective mouths. "Fine, I'll tell you, I'll tell ALL of you! It's-" Pester was interrupted by a very loud pounding noise in the distance. "What on Earth is _that?"_

"That's the door…" Dastardos said, confusion in his voice. "…you don't get too many visitors, Pester. Who do you think it could be?"  
>"I have no idea…so YOU can go see!" Pester began not-so-gently pushing Dastardos in the exit's direction.<p>

"Hey, what about letting me know what's going on here?" Dastardos protested, swatting Pester's hands away.

"Well, we'll just have to wait until you get back, won't we?" Pester said with a grin, earning a collective groan from the women in the cage. He whipped around to face them. "Oh, hush, all of you!"

"Fine, fine," Dastardos phased through the door yet again. After a few moments, he stuck his head back through the door. "Hey, Professor, am I allowed to throw them off the side of the volcano if they're an unwanted visitor?"

_"That's _my boy!" Professor Pester cackled. "You're more than welcome to!"

Dastardos stuck his arm through the door to give Pester a two-fingered salute before he vanished again.

Pester turned to face the girls in the cage and smirked. "Sit tight, ladies. I just need to check the village database and make sure I'm not missing anyone!" He plopped down into his computer chair and began typing away.

Maxime's face suddenly fell. "Um…did anyone else have a witness to their kidnapping?" she whispered, her voice heavy with distress.

"Not me, I was in the jungle on a hunt," Gretchen said. "Completely alone. It was the dead of night, too."

"I was walking home from Avalon's garden," Leafos scratched her head. "There wasn't anyone else around…"

"The Ruffians nabbed me when I was in the middle of work!" Sahari hissed through clenched teeth. "It was the middle of the day, but _of course_ no one was around to hear me yelling!"

"Pester just grabbed me right from the back window of my post office…" Fannie wrapped her arms around herself at the memory and shuddered. "I just wanted to get some stamps…I hope no one needs to ship anything when I'm gone…"

"Right when my last Sprinking went 'ome, Pester and all four of 'is Ruffians leapt out of the bushes and mobbed me," Avalon buried her mask in her hands. "If only I 'ad been 'olding my goddamn shovel…"

"Oh no…" Maxime's eyes widened with fear and she began to shake.

"Are you okay?" Fannie put a hand on Maxime's shoulder in an attempt to steady her.

"Eddie saw me get kidnapped…" Maxime's voice was as shaky as she was. "…that must be _him _at the door!"


	3. Chapter 3

Maxime was right. Eddie had just finished running up the winding path around the volcano to Pester's lair. He was pounding the entrance with his shovel as hard as he could, his cheeks red and sweat running down his face.

He didn't really have a plan, but he couldn't turn back now. Maxime would think he was a coward if he didn't try to save her!

Eddie was holding the shovel over his head in preparation for another wallop when the door finally slid open, revealing Professor Pester's subordinate, Dastardos. He had a terribly bored expression on his face that completely changed when he saw Eddie's upgraded shovel. Specially made shovels that were made in his likeness were the only things in the world that could hurt him, so Dastardos wasn't too pleased to see that Pester's uninvited guest was holding one.

Dastardos floated quite a distance backwards, holding up his hands. "Hey, buddy, be careful with that thing!"

"Tell me what Pester's done with Maxime," Eddie poked Dastardos in the neck with the shovel, rage bubbling up in his tone. "Or I'll hit you so hard your head will _spin!"_

"Who the hell is Maxime?" Dastardos continued floating backwards down the hallway, Eddie walking after him, holding the shovel at Dastardos' chest level threateningly.

Eddie gasped. How could Dastardos _not _know who Maxime was? How could anyone look at her and not have her stunning image burned into their mind forever?

"Sh-she's on the short side," Eddie's fierce look let up as he described Maxime, but he kept a firm grip on his shovel. "Italian, slender, green eyeband, long dark hair…"

_Ah,_ Dastardos thought. _This one's in love. Must have come to rescue the girl in hopes of getting some later._ Dastardos was sure he'd have no problem throwing this guy to the Mallowolves if he wasn't pointing a fully loaded shovel at his chest. Dastardos' good eye flicked down to Eddie's wrists. _I think if I keep him talking I can do something about that shovel…_

"Oh," Recognition finally showed in Dastardos' expression. "One of the girls Pester kidnapped looks like that."

"Wait,_ one of_ the girls?" Eddie's jaw dropped. "Are you saying he's kidnapped more than just Maxime?"

"Six of them…" Dastardos nodded slowly and Eddie poked him with the shovel again, harder this time.

_"What. Is. He. Doing. With. Them."_ Eddie's rage returned, punctuating each word with another hard poke with the shovel.

"I wish I knew!" Dastardos threw his hands in the air again. "I had absolutely _nothing_ to do with this!"

"Take. Me. To. Pester," Eddie growled. "I need to give him a piece of my mind!"

"Okay then…" Dastardos smirked and Eddie suddenly felt an extremely tight grip around his wrists. Eddie yelped and dropped his shovel.

"Can't having you going in there _armed,_ now can we?" Dastardos laughed and Eddie's eyes darted down and saw that his wrists were bound by Dastardos' scarf. Eddie tried to pull out of the scarf's seize, but one of the ends of it actually _hissed_ at him.

"Oh, hush, you, he might wet himself," Dastardos grumbled to the scarf as he unwrapped it from around his neck. He tugged Eddie along. "Come quietly, I can't be touched so attacking me would be a waste of breath."

Eddie suddenly went very quiet and hung his head, dragging his feet down the hallway towards Pester's control room.

The door slid open and Dastardos floated into the room, Eddie still in his scarf's clutches. "Pester, I'm back!" Dastardos called cheerfully. "With a guest…" Dastardos shot Eddie an unnerving smile.

"Eddie!" Maxime exclaimed, rushing over to the edge of the cage to get the best view she possibly could. Eddie raised his head at her voice and gave her a Goobaaish smile. "You moron! Why did you follow me? You're going to get yourself _killed!" _She rattled the bars of the cage, fixing Eddie with a stern glare. Eddie wilted at her comment, tears pricking the corners of his eyes.

"Now THERE'S an idea!" Professor Pester applauded Maxime as he whirled around in his chair. Maxime covered her mouth, her brown eyes bulging. "I could have come up with it myself, though…" Pester chuckled as he trudged over to Eddie. "Ah, Maxime's boyfriend, I presume?"

"Boyfriend?" Leafos' ears pricked up and she fixed Maxime with a sly smile. Maxime responded with a dreary glare.

"Leafos…" Avalon said severely. "Now REALLY isn't a good time."

"So _nice _of you to drop by!" Pester chucked Eddie under the chin patronizingly. "I bet you'd like to hear what I have in store for these lovely ladies before Dastardos here disposes of you!"

"About time…" Dastardos grumbled.

Eddie just silently glared at Pester in response and Pester took that as a cue to start monologueing.

"I, Professor Pester…" he rested a meaty hand on his tattooed chest. "…am in _dire_ need of an heir! I won't be around forever, you know, and I'll need someone to carry on my villainous legacy! Since cloning didn't work…" Pester shot a quick glance at two Ruffians in the corner of the room, who were having a very intense conversation in incomprehensible gibberish. "…I have decided to gather up the best and most beautiful women on the Island as candidates to be my _wife!"_

Everyone in the room burst into a collective gasp, apart from Dastardos, who just mumbled "Eugh…"

"No WAY!" Sahari practically screamed.

"There's no way you'd find someone willing to marry you to one of us!" Gretchen protested. "Both people have to consent in a marriage, and none of us are about to consent to marrying a Rashberry like you!" The other girls burst into a chorus of agreement.

"Ah, you underestimate me, Miss Fetchem. I've thought of _everything,"_ Professor Pester steepled his fingers under his chin. "I've had one of my Ruffians certified to be a justice of the peace." He indicated a Ruffian that was wearing a pope hat with a sweep of his arm. The Ruffian gave a doofy smile and a little wave to the girls in the cage.

"Don't look at them like that, you dunderbate, they're _mine!"_ Pester jeered at the Ruffian.

"That _thing_ is a justice of the peace?" Leafos planted her hands on her hips and squinted in disbelief.

"Oh, it was a long and arduous process, but he managed to do it!" Professor Pester said joyfully. "I'm _very_ proud of him! He will be of great use to me when I finally choose my bride!"

"And 'ow, exactly, do you plan on choosing your 'bride?'" Avalon wanted to leap out of the cage and strangle Pester to death more than anything. There was no _way_ she would marry this bastard…and she wouldn't wish that fate on any of the other women trapped with her, either!

"Well, I plan to rate you all on appearance and personality!" Professor Pester stroked his chin. "…but that will be a very difficult decision, you _all_ seem like you could bear excellent evil heirs…that is why I've asked Dastardos to come along for help and support!"

"I want nothing to do with this, Pester," Dastardos would have slammed his palm into his mask if he wasn't busy holding onto his scarf.

"Too bad," Professor Pester stuck his tongue out at his minion before turning his attention onto Eddie. "Ingenious, isn't it?"

"You're the _vilest_ person I've ever met," Eddie spat, finally finding his voice.

"Oh, boo-hoo, I've heard better insults from that irritating little girl in the Flutterscotch outfit!" Professor Pester waved Eddie off. "This is the best plan I've ever come up with, no matter what _you_ say! Too bad you won't live to see my child. Take care of him, Dastardos."

"With pleasure," Dastardos tugged on his scarf, nearly sending Eddie stumbling to the ground. "Let's go."

"Maxime, I'm_ sorry!"_ Eddie cried as Dastardos dragged him through the door. Eddie was fighting to the best of his ability, but Dastardos was much stronger than he looked.

"You should have stayed behind! Why the hell would you risk your life for _me?"_ Maxime yelled right back. "Have you gone crazy?"

"People do crazy things when they're-" Eddie final words were interrupted by the door sliding shut.

Maxime dropped to her knees and buried her face in her hands. "What an _idiot!_ Now he's going to _die_ because of me!"

Fannie sighed. "Maxime, don't be so negative. He could live, you know!"

"Are you _crazy?_ He's getting _thrown off_ the side of this damn volcano!" Maxime came up from her slump and gestured widely. "He's a tiny little twig of a man! He's going to snap like a toothpick! How could he survive _that?"_

"Crazier things have happened," Sahari shrugged.

"My little brother always gets enormous head wounds," Leafos tapped the side of her own head. "He doesn't seem to have _too_ much brain damage!"  
>"I've gotten out of the jaws of more piñatas than I can count," Gretchen nodded. "Got the scars to show for it, too, but I wouldn't want to show them off with <em>him<em> around." She thumbed over her shoulder at Pester, who was taken with watching Eddie get dragged down the hallway on a security camera monitor.

How could they be so optimistic in a situation like _this?_ Maxime stared slack-jawed at them for a very, very long time.

"All of you are _insane,"_ she finally said, burying her face in her hands again.


	4. Chapter 4

Dastardos had made quick work of Eddie. He completely ignored Eddie's protests and requests to talk things out and had unceremoniously tossed him off of the side of the volcano to who-knows-where. Eddie was ridiculously light, so Dastardos had managed to throw him awfully far. Dastardos wore a sadistic smirk as he watched Eddie flail and scream until he was completely out of sight.

"That takes care of that…" Dastardos brushed his hands together and his scarf glided back around his neck. "Wow, this is the first time Pester ever let me execute someone…" he thought aloud as he headed back into the lair. "If there are villain ranks, I must be moving up in them!" He let off a ghastly laugh as the doors slid shut behind him. 

Eddie had never felt so cold in his life.

He wasn't sure where he was. He had just opened his eyes after being completely out of it for a few hours, seeing nothing but a gray sky filled with falling white flakes.

_Is this Heaven?_ Eddie thought, wrapping his skinny arms around himself. _I didn't expect it to be so chilly…and all this white…oh, how boring…_

"…Eddie?" a bewildered voice said. Eddie grunted, forced himself to a sitting position, and saw a tall figure standing in the snow with their arms folded.

_"…Sparcticus!"_ Eddie blinked, rubbed his eyes, and then checked again. Yup, he was still there. "You're dead too?"

_"Dead?"_ Sparcticus backed up a step, the snow crunching under his boots. Eddie had never seen a more confused expression on anyone's mask in his whole entire life. "Eddie, neither of us are dead, we're in the Piñarctic…and your butt is stuck in a snow bank."

"Oh," Eddie took another look around at the tundra, wrapping his arms around himself more tightly. "Oh. _Ohhhhh._ That explains it…"

Sparcticus squinted at Eddie. "How did you get here? What did you do?"

"It's a long story…" Eddie grinned sheepishly, but the grin fell as quickly as it had come. "I can't stick around and tell it, though! Every moment I wait things will get worse and _worse!"_ He struggled to wriggle out from the snow bank's clutches. Sparcticus blankly watched this pathetic display for a few moments before finally offering Eddie his hand.

"Thank you!" Eddie grabbed on and was quickly lifted out of the snow bank. He made a face and shook a good portion of the snow from his hair. "Can you point me in the direction of the village near Jardiniero's house?"

"Um, it's over that way, I think…" Sparcticus pointed to the south. "I really wish you would tell me how on Earth you got here."

"I'll tell you later," Eddie waved Sparcticus off before bursting into another shiver. "I-I can safely tell you though, out of all the worst things that can happen, this is THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING." Eddie said through his chattering teeth before starting to walk off.

"Wait a second…" Sparcticus lumbered in front of Eddie. "You're going to freeze to death if you try to walk out of here in that." Sparcticus shrugged off his oversized coat and placed it on Eddie's skinny shoulders.

"Oh, I-" Eddie tried to protest but Sparcticus shook his head.

"I have on four other layers, plus I'm not even close to how skinny you are. I'll be fine," Sparcticus' baffled expression returned. "You go do…whatever you need to do. Return that whenever you see me again."

"Thank you!" Eddie zipped up the coat (which was hilariously big on him, but he wasn't about to complain). "I owe you one, Sparcticus! Wish me luck!" Eddie gave him a giant wave goodbye before he ran off into the swirling snow on the horizon.

"Good luck…?" Sparcticus mumbled as Eddie's silhouette faded away. He liked Eddie, but sometimes he wondered if he was really all there…


	5. Chapter 5

Dastardos floated right through the doors to Pester's main control room and cracked his knuckles loudly to get Pester's attention.

"The deed is done!" He let out a victorious laugh as he floated to his boss' side. "Screamed like a little girl. So pathetic; he barely even put up a fight!"

"Excellent, Dastardos!" Pester ruffled Dastardos' unruly hair and his eyes narrowed in annoyance. "That is why you're my number one minion!"

Maxime seethed from where she knelt in the cage. She clenched her hands tightly and growled: "Dastardos, if Eddie is dead, I'm adding _you_ to my hit list!"

"Psh!" Dastardos dismissed Maxime with a flick of his wrist. "One, there's no 'if,' he's _certainly_ dead, I tossed him clear over the jungle. And two, you couldn't touch me even if you wanted to." Dastardos turned transparent just to make a point.

"I'll let you borrow my upgraded shovel, Maxime," Avalon smirked down at the shorter woman and she burst into a vicious grin.

"…damn it…" Dastardos murmured and turned to look at the many news clippings Pester had framed on the wall, wanting to take his eyes off of Maxime's expression.

"Enough diddling around!" Professor Pester hit Dastardos in the back of the head.

Dastardos didn't even flinch, but he made a point of floating further away from Pester.

"It is time for me to critique these women and narrow down my options!" Professor Pester's vacant green eyes scanned over the women in the cage and a grin spread across his mask.

"'Narrow them down?' There are six of them, can't you just _choose?"_ Dastardos slammed a hand into his forehead.

"You don't understand _love,_ Dastardos!" Professor Pester folded his hands and placed them over his heart. "This is the woman who will bear my children, the woman who I'll keep imprisoned in my lair forever! I can't just _choose_ one right away! I have to weigh my options and see which is best for me!"

All of the girls gazed at each other in disbelief. Sahari barely resisted the urge to start gnawing on the bars of the cage in an attempt to escape.

Dastardos' expression changed to a pondering one. "Hey, Pester, aren't you forgetting some people?"

"Forgetting?" Pester whirled to face Dastardos, crossing his meaty arms.

"I know there are more women in the Village. Storkos, Storkos isn't here, for starters," Dastardos pointed out. "Neither is Lottie, or Petula, or Leena, for that matter."

"UGH," Pester held his head and made a noise of contempt. "Dastardos, you are _disgusting!"_  
>"Speak for yourself," Dastardos grumbled in reply.<p>

Pester ignored him. "There are so many things wrong with what you just said! Petula and Leena are _minors._ I might be twisted, but I am not THAT twisted!"

"Oh, thank God…" Avalon breathed. She could only imagine what condition Leena would be in if she were dragged into this mess.

"As for Lottie, she's _ancient_ and her womb is probably as dark and cold as your heart, Dastardos," Pester gestured to Dastardos' chest.

"Eew," Dastardos grimaced at that mental image.

"And Storkos…don't get me STARTED on Storkos!" Pester's hands balled into fists.

"And what on Earth is wrong with her?" Leafos folded her arms and stuck out a hip.

"All of that…hero stuff, it just wouldn't work out!" Pester stuck out his tongue in disgust. "Furthermore…she's fat."

"Have you looked in a mirror lately, buddy?" Sahari cocked a brow at Pester, an amused look on her mask. "You're pretty damn fat yourself!" All of the girls in the cage couldn't help bursting into chortles. Even Dastardos couldn't help letting out a laugh.

"Cease your giggling at ONCE!" Pester commanded, stabbing a finger at the cage. The girls obeyed, minus one last tiny titter from Fannie. "That goes for you too!" Pester glared daggers at Dastardos and he went quiet. "It's time for me to look at my options!"

"Oh boy…" Sahari hid behind Maxime.

"I see you back there, Sahari," Pester squinted at her as he approached the cage. "Step forward!"

"You can't make me!" Sahari poked her head out from behind Maxime and fixed Pester with a glower.

"Oh, I'm sorry…" Pester feigned sympathy, folding his hands under his chin. "Would _you_ like to be tossed off the side of the volcano, too?"

Sahari's eyes widened and she wordlessly stepped out from behind Maxime, moving as close to Pester as the cage would allow.

"I thought so," Pester smirked as he looked her up and down. His smirk faded after a few moments. "Oh…"

"What's _that_ mean?" Sahari demanded, hands on her nonexistent hips.

"How…old are you?" Pester inquired, confusion in his voice. "Your file with Piñata Central clearly states that you are twenty-two years old… and yet…"

Sahari stood there with the most flat look she could manage. Fannie and Leafos leaned forward, Fannie looked concerned and Leafos looked almost fascinated with what Pester had to say.

"You have the figure of a prepubescent girl!" Professor Pester sounded almost offended. "No breasts, no hips, no nothing! If I had known this in advance, I wouldn't have even bothered to send the Ruffians after you!" Professor Pester waved Sahari off as if she were a particularly ripe Smelba. "You're barely a woman, not fit to bear _anyone's_ child, let alone mine! You're dismissed!"

_"What did you say?"_ Sahari's words were practically crackling with rage until Gretchen cut in.

"Sahari, it's _Pester._ Don't let what he's saying get to you," Gretchen scolded. "Besides, you're safe."

Sahari's rage evaporated and she hunched over. "Safe…you're right!" Sahari retreated to a far corner of the cage and drew her knees up to her chest. _Better one of them than me…_ she thought, actually feeling somewhat eager to see who would get stuck with Pester. Any other day she would have kicked herself for being selfish, but she needed to have _some_ sort of entertainment to focus on to keep her from going completely nuts in this situation.

"You!" Pester pointed at Maxime and she reflexively cringed. "Stand up! You're next!"

Maxime made a face like she had just taken a sip of sour milk, but she obeyed and rose up to her full height of five foot one.

"Ooooh-hoo-hoo, not bad!" Pester looked her up and down multiple times, looking quite ridiculous while doing so. "What lovely long hair you have! Good genetics!"

Maxime regretted making the decision to let her hair grow out past her waist.

"And your figure…slender and lithe! You seem _flexible,"_ Maxime really didn't like the way Pester said that and she felt a mixture of unease and nausea knot in her stomach. Pester's expression changed to a ponderous frown. "So _tiny,_ though! A good villain should be tall and imposing! I don't know if I should take a risk with a short woman!"

"I wouldn't complain if you didn't want to marry me…" Maxime rolled her eyes and tossed a hunk of hair over her shoulder. "I'm getting sick just by looking at that ugly mask of yours."

Dastardos chuckled. "I like this one, Professor. She's too good for you."

Pester glared at him. "Just for that little comment, I'm going to put Maxime down as a 'maybe.'"

"Avalon, I'm going to have to borrow your shovel _for sure_ now!" Maxime was overcome with an urge to strangle Dastardos with his own scarves.

"Well, excuuuuse me, Maxime. I thought that was a compliment…" Dastardos crossed his arms and turned to face Pester. "And I thought you _wanted_ my input!"

"Enough, enough, enough!" Pester waggled a finger at Dastardos. "'Input' doesn't mean you have to _insult_ me, you Bonboon!"

"I'll keep that in mind…" Dastardos said through gritted teeth.

"Moving on!" Pester whirled to face the girls. "Leafos, you're up!"

Leafos swallowed loudly and slowly stepped forward, trying not to make eye contact with Professor Pester.

"Ah, you've grown up very well. I remember you fondly from my days working with your _wonderful_ father! Oh my, he would be angry if I were to defile his darling daughter!" Pester chuckled darkly.

Fannie tried to step forward to give Leafos a gesture of reassurance, but Gretchen stuck an arm out to block her path.

"Comfort her later; we don't want Pester to get angry…" Gretchen whispered. Fannie's eyes welled up with tears, but she nodded and held herself back.

"Such a shame you're not extraordinary…" Pester tsk-tsked. "Everything about you is just…average! Sort of pretty, but none of your features stand out!" Pester turned to look at Dastardos, barely hiding a smirk. "What do _you_ think, Dastardos?"

Dastardos barely resisted the urge to cuss Pester out. Leafos didn't know it, but she was his _sister._ Pester took great delight in messing with Dastardos, but Dastardos really didn't take great delight in being messed with.

"No comment," Dastardos shook his head and Pester pouted a disappointed pout.

Leafos felt a glimmer of hope for her safety…which was instantly crushed when Pester said: "Hmmm…you're another 'maybe' just because Jardiniero would probably die of a heart attack if I married you. You may sit down." Pester waved Leafos off and she retreated.

Fannie instantly pulled Leafos into a hug, patting the back of her head and murmuring "Don't worry, Leafos, your dad won't die…probably…"

"Oh, that just makes me feel _sooooo_ much better…" Sarcasm colored Leafos' words, but Fannie didn't seem to notice.

"I'm glad!" she giggled and squeezed Leafos tighter. Her giggling ceased when Pester crooked a finger at her.

"Miss Franker, release Leafos at once and come here."

Fannie squeaked and let Leafos go before taking tiny steps towards Pester, her knobby knees wobbling.

"Hmmmmmmm…" Pester hmmed for a very long time. "You're far too skinny!" Pester made a face and Dastardos nodded in agreement.

"Legs like a Chocstrich," he commented, causing Pester to burst into uproarious laughter.

"Exactly!" Pester cackled. Dastardos cocked a brow at him. He really didn't understand how Pester could go from scolding him one minute to laughing at his jokes the next.

"Hmph…" Fannie felt a bit offended. She did aerobics three times a day to keep her figure! Even if she didn't trust Pester's opinion, it still hurt her fragile feelings.

"Hmm, perhaps your face makes up for it…" Pester gestured with a flourish at Fannie. "I command you to take off your mask! I can't even _guess_ what your face looks like underneath that thing!"

Sahari, Gretchen, Avalon, Leafos, and Maxime all glanced at each other. Honestly, they had been curious as to what Fannie really looked like too. At least they'd learn something during this whole bizarre experience…

Fannie's mailbox mouth dropped open in shock. "H-how _dare_ you!" she squeaked and stomped a foot. "You're a horrible man, asking a lady to do such a scandalous thing!"

"That's an ORDER, Franker!" Pester blew up yet again, this time slamming his fist into the cage. All of the girls jumped and Fannie's expression changed to one of sorrow.

"Well…the truth is…" Fannie's voice caught and her big blue eyes welled up with tears. "I…well…I _can't_ take it off."

"You _WHAT?"_ Pester, Leafos, and Dastardos all exclaimed in a chorus of astonishment.

"It-it's true!" Fannie tried her best to fight back tears, trying to distract herself by twirling one of her blonde ringlets around her finger. "There…there was a terrible accident…I really can't talk about it…!" She fell to her knees, now crying full-blown sobs. "It was awful…just _awful!"_

Pester and Dastardos shared a slack-jawed glance. All noise in the room ceased, except for the whirring of machines and Fannie's dramatic bawling.

Leafos' overactive imagination began going nuts during the quiet. _Did she get her mask stuck to her head in a packing tape accident? Did she lose her head in a box cutter mishap and only has her mask left? Is she lying because she doesn't want to show her face? Ahhhh, I'll have to look into this!_

"I…" Pester finally broke the silence. "I…don't deal well with…_emotional baggage._ Fannie, you're an indisputable 'no.'"

Fannie's tears broke up and she let a smile slip through. She rose to her feet and scurried to the back of the cage.

"Miz Fetchem?" Pester smiled flirtatiously at the imposing woman and she let out an annoyed groan.

"Make it quick…" her arm-like scarf crossed over her chest and the swirling eyes of her mask narrowed.

"I've always been a fan…" Pester confessed, putting his hands behind his back. "You have lovely legs and strong arms! I bet you have a good face too…" Pester's eyes lit up and he raised an index finger. "Let me see it! That mask of yours makes it _terribly_ hard to make assumptions!"

"Fine. I know better than to complain, but you're much too forward…" Gretchen griped as she fiddled with the strap of her mask. "No wonder you have to capture women instead of courting them…"

Pester pouted. "It's just so much more convenient to-" he halted mid-sentence and his jaw dropped to the ground when Gretchen's heavy mask slipped off and fell to the bottom of the cage.

Dastardos gave a long, low whistle.

Even Sahari, Maxime, and Leafos couldn't stop their shocked expressions.

Pester's guess that Gretchen had a 'good' face was a serious understatement. Even though her expression was irate, her face was still incredibly striking. She had high cheekbones and a distinguished nose, turned up slightly at the tip. Her lips looked even fuller without the large pink mouth of her mask to distract from them. There was a small scar across one of her brows, a memento from an intense Roario hunt that she was particularly proud of.

Gretchen glared at the villains with acid green eyes. "Don't look at me like that. I'm not a piece of candy."

"I…just…what…_wow…"_ Pester said eloquently.

"I've had enough of this…" Gretchen shook her head and put her mask back on. Pester immediately broke out of his trance with an enormous grin.

"You, my dear, are the _biggest_ 'maybe' of all!" Pester jumped for joy. "Avalon will have to work hard to top that!"

_Damn it,_ Gretchen thought. _Oh well…better me than any of them… _Gretchen's brow furrowed as she turned towards the other woman in the cage. _I'm far more capable of mapping out an escape route than any of these girls are, after all…_

"I don't intend to work 'ard," Avalon gave Pester an intense look of hatred and he mock-shuddered.

"Ooh, Avalon, you are far too cold!" Pester hugged himself. "Why do you hate me so?"

"If I listed the reasons, we'd be 'ere all week," Avalon said, her oversized boots clanged against the metal of the cage as she walked forward. "Just make this quick."

"Pester, don't you think three 'maybes' is enough?" Dastardos suddenly cut in and all heads in the room turned towards him. "I know you; you'll be thinking about this for hours. Why don't you save all of us some time? I have places to go and piñatas to reap."

"Nope," Professor Pester waved Dastardos off like he was an annoying buzzy Taffly. "I need to give all of them a fair shot!"

"Eh," Dastardos fiddled with his scarf, looking back and forth between Avalon and Pester. Avalon squinted suspiciously at him.

"I know for a fact that this handsome woman is very rich!" Pester rubbed his hands together. "Having access to those funds would let me create inventions that I have only dreamed of in the past!"

"Psh," Avalon rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't let you 'andle my money if you threatened me with death."

"Easier said than done!" Pester winked at Avalon and her face contorted with disgust. "As for your looks, you're tall and intimidating! Great hips too, _very _well-suited to bearing villainous heirs…"

"I wouldn't touch yew with a ten pinometer pole," Avalon spat.

"Oh, I'm sure all of you would say the same, right?" Pester indicated the rest of the women with a sweep of his arm. Only Sahari had the nerve to nod. "I have my _ways_ of making people comply, Avalon…" Pester's tone sent a chill down nearly every girl's spine, except for Avalon's, whose glare didn't let up even for a moment.

"She's tough, Pester," Dastardos commented. "Every time I even pass by her garden she comes to loom over me with her shovel. I bet she'd have no problem tossing _you_ off of the volcano."

"I'll…have to take that into consideration," Pester nodded. He started to feel a bit unnerved by the threatening woman; Avalon's hatred was practically palpable. "So it's a 'maybe' for you!" Pester pointed at her and she huffed an annoyed sigh. "Hmm, that's all of them…I'll have to think long and hard about which of you I want to wed!" Pester flew over to his computer. "I'll see what other information I can dig up…RUFFIAN!" he whirled his chair to face his pope-hat wearing minion. "Make preparations for the ceremony!" He turned his chair toward the cage as ominously as he could.

"It shouldn't be _too_ long, my dears…" he purred before bursting into one of his infamously loud cackles.


	6. Chapter 6

Eddie had burst into a run the second he came upon the path to the Village. When he rounded a corner he accidentally bumped into Bart, knocking his hat askew.

"Watch where you're going!" Bart straightened his hat as Eddie showered him with apologies. "What's got you in such a hurry that you need to barrel into unsuspecting old men?"

"Too important, can't talk, sorry again!" Eddie continued around the corner. Bart just shook his head and ambled off in the other direction, mumbling about how kids these days never slow down and take the time to look at the scenery.

Eddie practically tackled the door to Paper Pets and it swung open violently, the little bell at the top dinging an urgent melody. The chaos woke up Petula, who had been napping on the job yet again.

"Petula, I _need _you!" Eddie shouted, his chest heaving and his sweaty purple bangs plastered to his forehead.

"Well," Petula's expression changed from sleepy to seductive as she slunk over to Eddie. "About time you figured that out, Ed. The rest of my shift is _suuuuper_ long, but I can take a break for you…" she purred as she placed her hands on Eddie's chest. "I hear it only takes fifteen minutes…"

Eddie realized that he _really_ needed to watch what he said around Petula. He broke away from her and said: "No, no, that's not what I meant!"

"Oh," Petula huffed in annoyance and her cheeks pinkened. "So, like…what _do_ you need, then?"

"I need your _help!"_ Eddie grabbed Petula's shoulders and leaned in so close that his nose touched hers. "Pester's kidnapped nearly every woman in town, and he's going to _marry_ one if I don't do something! I tried to save them earlier, but all I learned was that I can't get them back with violence! I'm not a fighter, Petula! I'm an _actor!"_

"Wait, what do you need _me_ for?" Petula's eyes widened. "Shouldn't you, like, get the police?"

_"Please_, Petula, there are only two police officers in this village and they barely know how to do their job right! Pester has Dastardos and all of his Ruffians guarding the girls!" Eddie let go of Petula's shoulders and put his hands on his skinny hips. "They'd get seriously injured…or _killed!_ See this?" Eddie whirled around and lifted up his shirt, revealing a gigantic darkly patterned purple bruise that had spread over almost his entire back. "Dastardos threw me off of the volcano. I was lucky enough to land in a snow bank in the Piñarctic, but it still left a mark…"

Petula winced sympathetically when she saw the bruise. "Ouch…"

"'Ouch' is an understatement…" Eddie pulled his shirt back down and took Petula's gloved hands. "I'm just thankful he didn't kidnap you, Petula. You're the only person I can count on to help me, and I really don't want to do this alone."

"You're right, he _didn't_ kidnap me!" Petula seemed offended, which made Eddie raise a brow in confusion. "What's the deal? Am I not good enough to be captured by a villain?"

"Calm down, Petula…" Eddie soothed. "You're not unattractive. He could have just…run out of room in the cage or something! You should be _happy _you're safe!"

"Hmph, I'm sure it would be more interesting than just sitting here all day…" Petula pouted.

"Whatever you say…" Eddie rolled his eyes so hard that his head went with them. "Soooo, will you help me?" he folded his hands under his chin. "Please please please puh-_leeeeez?"_

Petula huffed. "You know it's super hard to say no to you, Eddie…what do you want me to do?"

Eddie lit up. "Thank you, Petula, you're an angel! I have a plan to get the girls back. It's going to sound crazy and is probably going to get me into _serious_ trouble, but I really would do _anything_ to see them safe again…" Eddie sighed. "Petula, I need you to make me look like a woman. As lovely as possible!"

"What," Petula wore a look of flat disbelief, but Eddie leaned closer and kept on telling her his plan.

"I'll knock on the door to the lair and say I heard about Pester searching for a bride," Eddie knocked on the wall for emphasis. "…and I'll say I'm interested! Pester's _bound_ to accept a willing 'woman'…as long as you make me look good enough!" Eddie pointed at Petula with a broad grin. "I'll do what I must and wait for Pester to let the girls go…once they're safely out of sight I'll reveal myself!" Eddie laughed almost maniacally. "God only knows what Pester will do, but it sure won't be pleasant…" Eddie tilted his chin into the air with confidence. "Oh well, it's a noble sacrifice to make to save the lives of all of those women!"

"You can't, like, come up with a solution that doesn't involve risking your life?" Petula sounded worried. "Going there alone is _crazy._"

"I don't want to make this into a big mess!" Eddie shook his purple head vigorously. "Everyone in this town is…disorganized, to say the least. Look, if I don't come back, you can let everyone know what happened and send them after me, okay?"

Petula sighed. "…okay. Let's make you a lady." Eddie laughed joyfully as Petula headed for the door and switched the 'Open' sign to 'Closed.' "Take off your eyeband," Petula ordered as she locked the door.

Eddie obeyed and placed it on the counter. Petula rushed over to a barrel in the corner that was overflowing with small cloth masks that were similar to Eddie's. "I wish I could get you an actual mask, but they're such a _huuuuge_ pain to get a hold of!" she whined as she rooted through the barrel. "All that custom ordering and enchanting and stuff…ugh!" Petula smiled when she finally found a suitable eyeband and tossed it to Eddie. "Don't worry; we'll distract that fat loser from your face with flashy clothes. Wait right here!" She disappeared into the back room.

Eddie turned the eyeband around in his hands so he could examine it from all angles. The bright pink eyeband was in the shape of two triangles and each of its shapely eyeholes was surrounded by six sparkling purple dots.

Eddie couldn't help smiling. Petula might be a slacker and terribly invasive, but she at least had a good fashion sense. Eddie knew he had made the right choice asking her for help. She was good at making over piñatas, and she even better at making over people! He was sure she'd run a salon when she was old enough to stop working in her parent's shop. She'd be great at it and it would be a steady source of gossip for her, too.

He snapped the eyeband around his head right as Petula kicked the back room door open, her arms full of colorful clothes.

"Put these on," Petula dumped the clothing into Eddie's outstretched arms. "You can change in the back." She nodded towards the door she had exited a few moments earlier. "Leave your normal clothes back there too. I can, like, hold on to 'em for you until you get back."

"Thank you!" Eddie beamed at her before he rushed into the back room. The sooner he was ready to go, the better, so he changed as quickly as he could. Petula had given him a ridiculously padded bra, a long-sleeved blouse, and a fluffy ruffled skirt that would hide his complete lack of hips. He caught a quick glimpse of himself in a skinny mirror on the wall. He wasn't quite convincing yet, but he was a bit surprised by how well he could pull off this getup. _I really can make anything work for me…_ Eddie snickered quietly to himself as he pushed the door open. _I never thought I'd think this, but I hope Pester thinks so too…_

Petula beamed when she saw him. "Wow, I'm doing a better job than I thought…" She grabbed a long black wig off of the counter, walked over to Eddie, and placed it on his head. She gave Eddie a quick up-and-down look. "Hmm…there's still some stuff missing…gimme one sec!" She took off into the back again.

After Petula took a few more trips back and forth, Eddie's disguise was finally coming together. Petula had given Eddie high-heeled boots, an excessive amount of sparkly jewelry, and elbow length patterned gloves that matched his shoes almost exactly. She had also pinned the wig to Eddie's real hair so it wouldn't fall off and spritzed him with a sugary-smelling perfume.

"Wow…this is getting kinda weird…" Petula blinked as she twisted a tube of purple lipstick. "Just a few more touches…pucker up, Eddie!"

He obeyed and Petula applied the lipstick perfectly with one quick swish.

Eddie smacked his lips and smiled. "You seem like you do this kind of thing often, Petula."

Petula shook her head. "I've had, like, a jillion people come to me for makeovers before, but my talent for dressing up drag queens is a new discovery."

"I am not doing this for kicks, Petula, this is for _justice!"_ Eddie posed in a remarkable imitation of Storkos' heroic stance, his hands on his hips and his chin tilted towards the ceiling. "It's a crazy way to rescue the girls, but it's the best plan I have!"

Petula sighed as she gave Eddie's costume another look over. She never thought she'd want to be kidnapped by Professor Pester, but being rescued by someone as cute as Eddie would make the whole ordeal worth it…even if she wasn't too attracted to him when he was made up to look like a woman.

"Hmm, the padded bra isn't enough…" Petula bit her lip and scurried to the back once more. She returned a few seconds later holding two disc-shaped pads. "Stick these falsies in your shirt and you'll be ready to go!"

Eddie took the falsies and was surprised that they felt warm. He snuck a quick peek at Petula's chest, which seemed to have gone down a cup size or two. "Thank you so much, Petula," Eddie beamed into her eyes as he tucked the pads into his bra and turned towards a mirror, his jaw dropping at his own reflection.

Eddie barely recognized himself! Petula had transformed him into a woman of splendor. The high-heeled boots made him seem taller and leggier than he actually was, his small mask seemed to give the illusion of a more feminine eye shape, and all of the padding and ruffles Petula had provided him with gave him a surprisingly convincing feminine figure. All of the sparkling jewelry, flashy patterned clothes, and the gorgeous wig distracted from any small trace of masculinity that was left.

_"Wow,_ Petula…" Eddie breathed. "You…you exceeded my expectations, and they were high to begin with! This is_ sure_ to fool Pester!" He whirled in a swirl of skirt to give Petula a warm smile. "I owe you one!"

"Hmm…" Petula stuck out her lower lip in thought. "Take me out to dinner if you survive this and we can, like, call it even."

"It's a deal!" Eddie grabbed Petula's hands and pulled her into a hug. "Wish me luck!" He gave her a small smooch on the cheek and left a purple lipstick mark before he headed out the door.

Normally, Petula have been utterly delighted to receive even the smallest kiss from Eddie Lizard, but since he didn't look at thing like the Eddie she knew and lusted after, she just placed her gloved hand on her cheek and felt rather strange.

Eddie was surprised by how easily he could walk in heels. He strode down the village road in an imitation of Gretchen's elegant sashay, keeping his head held high and his eyes on the looming volcano in the distance. Images of what Pester could possibly be doing to the girls at this very moment flashed through Eddie's mind and he had to fight the urge to rush through town like a maniac.

Eddie was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't notice Doctor Patchingo driving by in his little car, not able to take his eyes off of Eddie's new persona, mistaking him for a lovely new face in town. While Patch was craning his neck over his shoulder so he didn't lose sight of the 'new girl', he crashed his car right into a lamppost. Patch lurched forward and heaved a heavy sigh when he saw the dent on his car.

As Eddie passed the tinker's cart, Bart looked up from watching his apprentice practice tinkering on a blueberry and his eyes widened. "Stay here, boy," he murmured before taking off after Eddie, leaving his protégé with a baffled look.

"Excuse me, miss," The mouth of Bart's mask was in a wide smile. "I haven't seen you around before, so I must warn you that this road is absolute _rubbish."_ He offered a perplexed Eddie his arm and added: "One would hate to trip. Would you like me to escort you down the road?"

Eddie jumped for joy inside. Even though he had crashed right into Bart earlier, Bart didn't recognize him in his disguise! Not to mention he found him to be a convincing enough woman that he would want to be seen with him on his arm. Eddie wouldn't give Bart the pleasure, though.

"N-no, it's fine!" Eddie said in a soft falsetto. "I'm the least clumsy person I know! I'll be careful."

Bart shrugged indifferently, but his mask showed his disappointed. "If you insist," He tipped his hat to Eddie and headed back towards his apprentice, who had just failed to tinker the blueberry and let out a large yelp when it exploded all over him.

Once Eddie was safely out of sight, he burst into a run. "No time to waste…" he told himself under his breath, still speaking in his girl voice. "I just hope I'm not too late!"


	7. Chapter 7

Professor Pester had taken to his bedroom to mull over his choice of bride. He had practically dragged a protesting Dastardos by his scarf along with him for consultance, leaving the Ruffians to guard the women, who were whispering to each other in frightened and impatient tones.

Pester was lying on his stomach on his canopied bed as he shifted through six photographs, swinging his feet as he thought. He pushed two to the side and focused on four particular ones.

Dastardos was floating in the corner with his arms crossed and a brow raised next to a large silver statue of Pester posing grandly. "Where on Earth did you get _headshots_ of the girls, Professor?"

"Piñata Central's database has one for every last person on the Island!" Professor Pester waved Gretchen's photo. "I printed them out for reference!" Pester thrust his four favorite photos in Dastardos' mask. "Dastardos, which one do _you_ think is the prettiest?"

Dastardos slapped the pictures away. "I refuse to reply because I know you'll make fun of my answer for the rest of my life."

"Pfft!" Pester held back a maniacal laugh, sounding much like a Hoghurt with something stuck in its throat. "You can read me like a book, Dastardos! Impressive!"

Pester spent several more minutes shifting around on the bed and examining the photos. Dastardos floated aimlessly around the room, absent-mindedly examining all of the terribly ugly (in his opinion) statues and paintings of Pester that decorated the room. The only bit of Pester's décor that he found mildly amusing was a large picture of Jardiniero's mask, which had been stuck with several darts. It had been nearly half an hour when Dastardos got fed up.

"_Cripes_, Professor! Just _pick_ one!" Dastardos shouted, breaking the horribly long silence and startling Pester so much that he fell off the bed, the pictures scattering everywhere.

Pester sat up and squinted at Dastardos. "How many times do I have to tell you? This is not a trifling matter! I'm torn between two women at the moment, and it's next to impossible to choose!"

_"Close your eyes and pick one,"_ Dastardos seethed through clenched teeth.

"It's not that simple!" Pester rose to his feet and planted his hands on his hips. "I'm just waiting for the right decision to come to me! I need to muse over my options and think of the outcome of my marriage and the reaction of the public and…" Dastardos could have sworn he saw the sun rise in Pester's vacant green eyes. "The reaction of the public…that's IT!" Pester laughed maniacally, ran over to Dastardos, and pulled him into a tight, victorious hug. "I know who the lucky lady is! Aren't you happy for me?"

_"No,"_ Dastardos phased right through Pester's body. "Glad you finally came to a decision, though. Now go make your announcement already; I have places to be."

Once Pester was done shivering from the shock of Dastardos flying through him, he patted him on the head. "Patience, my dear minion! You can't rush true love!" He practically giggled and skipped out the door, heading back to the control room. Dastardos gagged and reluctantly followed.

"MY DEARS!" Pester yelled as the door to his control room slid open, giving every girl in the cage and all of the Ruffians a start. Sahari had been playing Go Fish with one of the Ruffians through the bars of the cage, and the cards scattered like confetti when Pester burst in.

Maxime had fallen asleep curled up in the corner of the cage. She was awakened by Pester's loud call and not too happy that this whole ordeal wasn't some kind of crazy dream. She glared at Pester from behind a curtain of dark hair as he made his way towards the cage, an enormous smile on his mask.

"I've come to announce my engagement!" Pester said joyously. Maxime, Leafos, Gretchen, and Avalon gave each other nervous glances. Sahari and Fannie shrunk back, Fannie shaking with nerves and Sahari covering her mouth to hide her grin; she had a terribly morbid interest in Pester's verdict.

"I know you're all excited, but try not to be_ too_ disappointed if I don't choose you!" Pester's smug smirk and even smugger tone made Maxime want to spit in his face. "My blushing bride will be-"

He was interrupted by a loud _'DING-DONG!'_

"What the-?" Pester looked around angrily. "What is interrupting me _now?"_

"That was…a doorbell," Dastardos seemed perplexed. "_Why _do you have a doorbell, let alone such a happy-sounding one?"

Pester opened his mouth to answer, but the doorbell rang again before he could. "Agh, I'll take care of this _myself!"_ He grumbled under his breath as he stomped out of the room.

Dastardos bit his lip when Pester left and shot the women in the cage a quick look of sympathy.

"I saw that, Dastardos," Avalon squinted at him. "Why are yew in on this?"

"You obviously don't want to be here," Leafos added.

"You could run off and Pester wouldn't be able to stop you," Gretchen's scarf's 'hands' rested on her hips.

"I can't," Dastardos replied, not making eye contact with any of the women. "It's a long story that I don't plan on telling…" Bitterness crept into his already cold voice. "…but I actually kinda feel bad for whichever of you gets stuck with that bastard."

"Aww!" Fannie practically squealed. "That's actually…really sweet! If I absolutely _had_ to marry an evil villain, it would be you!" She folded her hands under her chin and grinned at Dastardos. Most of the women in the cage shook their heads, apart from Sahari, who held back a fit of snickers, and Avalon, who didn't even try to hide a loud laugh.

"Uh," was Dastardos' articulate reply.

Professor Pester punched the button to open the front door. "WHAT DO YOU-" he screamed at whoever was behind it, but he halted mid-sentence once he got a good look at his visitor.

His eyes were treated to a tall, dark-haired young woman, her hands behind her back and a shy smile on her face. She looked incredibly wealthy as well; her clothes were extremely fancy and she wore several glittery necklaces, bracelets, and rings.

"Who…" Pester breathed. "…are YOU?"

"My name is Angie…" the girl said, her voice soft and melodious. "I came here all the way from one of the northern villages because I heard you were searching for a wife…?" She took a step back and twirled a lock of her inky hair around a slender finger. "S-sorry if I seem nervous…I've always been fascinated by evil geniuses, it's quite a shock to actually meet one…"

"Why yes, I _am_ searching for a bride!" Professor Pester's voice was still heavy with shock. This woman could give any of the ladies he had captured earlier a run for their money! "Why do you ask, my dear?"

_"I_ want to marry you!" Angie leaned forward, her small hands disappearing into Pester's enormous ones. "I heard all about how you got to be this way! I feel _awful,_ and I know you have good reasons for the things you do. I just think you deserve to be happy!" She gazed up at Pester, her violet eyes glimmering with tears.

Pester burst into an enormous toothy grin. "You cut _right_ to the chase, darling! I like that!" He swept her off her feet and held her in his arms. "Come with me, let's get married _right away!"_ He thundered back into his lair, eager to see the looks on all the girl's masks when he showed them his new trophy.

Angie wrapped her arms around Pester's neck and smirked quietly to herself. _Things are going exactly as planned so far…_

"THIS lovely lady shall be my wife!" Pester announced as he made yet another big entrance to his lab, Angie giggling in his arms.

"WHAT?" The women and Dastardos' voices exploded into a chorus of shock.

"Is THAT who was at the door?" Dastardos asked, the jaw of his mask practically touching the floor. Something about this woman made his brain ring with sirens and alarm bells. He briefly considered telling Pester of his suspicions, but he figured it would be better to keep his mouth shut.

"Oh, yes!" Angie nodded enthusiastically. "I've always dreamed of marrying someone like Professor Pester! He's just so…commanding!" She practically swooned.

Dastardos practically hurled.

Maxime's eyes narrowed when she heard the voice of Pester's bride-to-be. Something about her tone sounded so familiar…

Angie made eye contact with Maxime and noticed the look on her face. Angie smiled and gave Maxime a mischievous wink.

Something in Maxime's brain clicked. She retreated to the back of the cage, smiling to herself. She was finally calm for the first time in hours and she really wished she could tell the other girls why. She'd just have to wait…

"Wait!" Leafos ran to the front of the cage and gave Pester a Look. "So you _aren't_ going to force one of us to marry you after all?"

"Does that mean we can all go home?" Sahari sounded excited.

"In good time!" Pester flicked his wrist at her. "I'd _love_ to have all of you as guests to my wedding!" The women groaned and Pester glared at them. "Hush, it won't take long! I want to get to heir-making as soon as possible…" He glanced at Angie and licked his lips.

"My most honorable Ruffian!" Pester called and his pope-hat wearing underling toddled over to him and Angie, holding a large book that was almost bigger than its tiny, troll-like body. "Begin the ceremony!"

The Ruffian struggled to open the book. When it finally did, it gibbered for a few minutes and then looked at Pester expectantly.

"I _do!"_ Pester smiled into Angie's eyes.

The Ruffian repeated a bit of its former gibberish and turned its eyes onto Angie.

"Oh, I most _certainly _do!" The joy in Angie's voice was so immense that it sounded forced.

Maxime covered her mouth in shock. Sahari squeezed her eyes shut, she knew what was coming.

The Ruffian babbled one final series of grunts and slammed the book shut. Pester practically pounced on Angie, dipping her down and giving her an enormous smooch.

"We'll be together _forever!"_ Pester exclaimed joyfully once he came up from the kiss. "I can't believe it! I'm finally _married!"_ he sounded like he was ready to burst into tears.

"You poor, poor dear…" Fannie shook her head at Angie.

"RUFFIANS!" Pester commanded and his minions immediately assembled in front of him. "Wheel that cage outside and let these women go!" He pointed at the girls. "I have no further use for them."

Sahari, Fannie, and Leafos erupted into cheers and squeezed each other into an enormous group hug. Gretchen, Avalon, and Maxime let out drawn-out sighs of relief as the Ruffians did as they were told.

"What do you think of my new wife, Dastardos? Lovely, isn't she?" Pester draped an arm around Angie's shoulders.

"'Crazy' is more like it…" Dastardos grumbled.

"Oh, don't listen to him!" Pester laughed. "He's a stick-in-the-mud. You'll get used to him in due time, I'm sure."

"I always considered myself just a bit crazy…" Angie chuckled nervously. "He's right."

"Never mind him!" Pester embraced Angie yet again and waggled his eyebrows. "So…when shall our honeymoon begin?"

"Whenever you like, but…" A smile crossed Angie's purple lips. "I have a little something to confess first."

"And what might that be, my darling?" Pester let her go and folded his hands at his waist. He looked and sounded absolutely giddy.

Angie's small smile burst into a full blown, almost maniacal grin. She quickly pulled several pins out of her hair and then she ripped her hair right off of her head, revealing a neat, bright purple haircut underneath.

"You married a _man!"_ She, or rather, he, cackled and slammed his wig to the ground like he was scoring a touchdown.

He expected Pester to yell, scream, curse, or tear his head off, but Pester did none of those things. Both Pester and Dastardos stared in disbelief, their jaws slack and their eyes bulging. After about a minute of shocked staring, Dastardos crumpled to the floor and clutched his stomach.

"BAHAHAHA! PRICELESS! PRICE! LESS!" Dastardos was in absolute hysterics. He rolled around on the ground, tears streaming from his lopsided eyes. "I CAN'T BELIEVE-THIS IS THE _BEST!_ _BAHAHAHA!_ PESTER, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT TRICKED BY _EDDIE LIZARD!_ HE'S THE BIGGEST PUSSY I KNOW!"

Pester looked back and forth between Eddie and the hysterical Dastardos several times, his shocked expression slowly darkening, like a sky filling with storm clouds. He stomped right up to Eddie and slugged him in the face. Eddie staggered backwards and gaped at Pester, a hand over his newly injured eye. He expected this, but he didn't expect that it would hurt quite _this_ badly!

"Cripes, Pester!" Dastardos chuckled as he floated up from the floor. "I always pegged you as the kind of guy who would beat his wife, but I didn't think you would start so soon!"

"Shut! Up! This! ISN'T! FUNNY!" Pester punctuated each word with another blow to Eddie's face. By the time he was done speaking, Eddie was on the floor, out cold yet again. One of his eyes was swelling up rapidly and a stream of blood leaked from both his nostrils. Pester scooped him up and dumped him into Dastardos' arms. "Get this stupid kid out of my sight, I don't care what you do with him, I _never_ want to see him again!"

"Well,_ that _was a short marriage…" Dastardos shifted Eddie's limp form around so he was positioned less awkwardly. "So much for your heir, huh?" He smirked at his boss and Pester raised a hand in preparation to strike Dastardos.

Dastardos glowered at Pester's raised hand. "Don't waste your energy. You of all people should know that I can't be touched!"

_"GO,"_ Pester hissed and thrust a finger towards the door.

"Fine, I'm going…" Dastardos floated to the exit, but paused to smirk over his shoulder at Pester. "You do realize you're going to have to file for divorce, right?"

"I said GO!" Pester barked and Dastardos flew off, bursting into hysterical laughter yet again.


	8. Chapter 8

Eddie's eyes fluttered and he began to stir when Dastardos was halfway down the volcano's ramp.

"Ugh…" Eddie mumbled as he came to. His eyes widened to inhuman proportions when he saw who was carrying him. "Dastar-?"

"Shhh!" Dastardos shushed him, not wanting to deal with a panicking captive. "Calm down; I'm not going to kill you."

"R-really?" Eddie beamed gratefully through his smudged make-up. "But why? I just deceived your boss! I tricked him into letting his hostages go!"

"Kid," Dastardos chuckled and shook his head. "News flash: I _hate _my boss, and that was the _funniest_ damn thing I have ever seen. I've seen Pester get beaten to a pulp, get launched halfway across the Island by a Limeocerous, get a wedgie in the middle of a P-Factor round by Bear. A. Maracus, burn down the kitchen while cross-dressing as a 50s housewife, trip and roll down the entire ramp of his lair, and about five thousand other things, but _none_ of them hold a candle to what you did."

"…all of that really happened to Pester?" Eddie blinked in disbelief. "And what I did was _better?"_

"You humiliated him like he had never been humiliated before, and I honestly respect you for it!" Dastardos nodded. "I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard."

"Oh, _thank you!"_ Eddie threw his arms around Dastardos appreciatively. Dastardos growled like a cross Sour Mallowolf and shook him off.

"Don't touch me or I'll reconsider letting you live," Dastardos hissed. Eddie yelped and kept his hands to himself until they reached the volcano's base.

Dastardos put Eddie down onto the grass and brushed his hands together. "You can probably feel it, but you're in rough shape. Go see that faggot Doctor Patchingo, but if you tell him I sent you I'll have your hide." Dastardos' tone turned dark with hatred when he mentioned his rival.

Eddie nodded stiffly, still in shock by how well everything went. No matter how well thought out his plan was, he never could have predicted Dastardos showing sympathy toward him!

"Thanks again…" A smile spread across Eddie's beaten face.

"Don't mention it," Dastardos actually grinned at Eddie. "Thanks for the good laugh!" Dastardos gave Eddie a hearty slap on the back, right in the middle of his bruise. Eddie let out an entirely unmanly shriek of pain as Dastardos turned and began to head back up to Pester's lair, giggling quietly to himself.


	9. Chapter 9

"I-I-I can't believe you were kn-knocked out three times in one day!" Doctor Patchingo fussed as he wrapped Eddie's head in bandages. "And by _P-P-Professor Pester_ and _Dastardos,_ even! I'm n-no psychologist, but I know you're i-insane for doing what you d-d-did!"

"I saved the girls, didn't I?" Eddie's tone was confident and he was glowing like a firebrand beneath his bruises. "That's all that matters!" Eddie had left his disguise folded in the corner of the room and exchanged it for a hospital gown that was covered in frolicking Bunnycombs. It wasn't very flattering on him, but Eddie wasn't about to complain. As the village doctor patched him up, Eddie had told him the tale of how he received all of his injuries. Doctor Patchingo had seemed incredibly embarrassed for some reason when Eddie got to the bit about his short stint as a drag queen.

"Y-y-you don't seem to have any serious d-damage…" Doctor Patchingo taped Eddie's bandage and consulted a clipboard. "B-but you have some bad b-bruising and a b-b-black eye. Just wait it out and you'll h-heal."

"Thank you, Doctor," Eddie gave him a grateful grin.

"R-rest for a moment. I need to go g-get another form…" Doctor Patchingo opened the door and was almost bowled over by a tidal wave of women.

"H-hey! I n-never said he could have visitors!" Patch tried to protest, but he was ignored. All of the girls crowded around Eddie, who looked absolutely delighted. This was the moment he had been waiting for…

"Maxime told us _everything!"_ Leafos said enthusiastically, her blue eyes glimmering with adoration. "I can't _believe_ what you went through for us!"

"Dressing up as a girl _and_ smooching Pester?" Sahari laughed and slapped her knee. "You're a true hero!"

"Not just smooching, you _married_ the bastard!" Maxime grinned so broadly that her tiny dimples showed.

"Thanks to you, none of us had to be trapped in his lair forever!" Fannie gushed. "You're _amazing,_ cutie pie!"

Eddie blushed. "Oh, come on…"

"That certainly was a…_creative_ way to save us…" Avalon shook her head. "…but it worked surprisingly well!"

"Such amazing bravery…" Gretchen purred. One end of her scarf lifted up Eddie's chin gently. "Not bad…for a little boy…" Gretchen smirked and leaned in, giving Eddie a kiss on his forehead.

Eddie's blush darkened and he breathed _"Wow…"_ Gretchen chuckled and winked at him.

Sahari leapt onto Eddie's cot and squeezed him into a grateful hug. Eddie squeaked in pain from the pressure on his bruise, but Sahari didn't seem to notice. Fannie leaned over and hugged him too, much more gently, and Eddie felt the mouth of her mask bump against his cheek.

Once Fannie and Sahari moved aside, Leafos took Eddie's hands and smiled into his eyes. "I'm going to tell _everyone_ about how amazing you are! Fooling Pester is an impressive feat! Thank you _so much_ for saving us, Eddie!" She leaned forward and gave Eddie a peck on the lips. She pulled away quickly, giggling under her breath.

"I think all of us owe yew one!" Avalon gave Eddie a hearty pat on the head. "If I had to spend one more minute with Pester, I would 'ave torn my 'air right out!" The rest of the women laughed in agreement with her.

There was only one girl who hadn't expressed her gratitude to Eddie yet, and she was the one who Eddie had been looking forward to the most. He smiled expectantly at Maxime, the girl of his dreams, the one whose capture had pushed him to do the crazy thing that he did. She smiled back and daintily walked over to Eddie. She leaned in, her long dark hair cascading over her shoulders. She licked her lips and Eddie felt his heart flutter with anticipation…and then she fist bumped him.

"Atta boy, Eddie!" Maxime wore an impish grin. "I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, even if you _are_ insane! Thanks, you're the _best!"_

Eddie felt his heart shatter to pieces and he wrapped himself in the cot's paper sheets. "Well, thanks for stopping by, ladies, but I really ought to get some rest…" his voice was shaky and he paled significantly as he pulled the sheets over his bandaged head.

"Yeah, come on, girls, let's let him be. He probably has a huge concussion and I don't want to be here when he throws up," Maxime made a face and led the ladies out the door.

Eddie buried his face into the cot's paper-covered pillow and began to sob quietly.


	10. Chapter 10

Dastardos had returned to the lair to find Pester in a similar state of emotion. Pester was seated at his computer with his head on top of the keyboard, sobbing violently.

"Missing your wife already? Want me to go tell him that you want to come crawling back?" Dastardos offered with mock sympathy. He was rewarded by Pester hurling a paperweight in the shape of Piñata Central at him. The paperweight phased through Dastardos' stomach and he rolled his good eye. "Guess that's a 'no…'"

"My reputation is going to be RUINED, Dastardos!" Pester blubbered, slamming a fist onto the poor, hapless desk and sending various knickknacks tumbling off of it. "Not to mention all of the girls will be on their guard! I can't just go back out there and kidnap my first choice again!"

"Your reputation wasn't _already_ in shambles?" Dastardos folded his arms.

Pester slo-o-owly turned his chair to face Dastardos. "You're right!" Pester slammed a fist into his palm. "Who needs a _woman_ to worry about? They're more trouble than they're worth! I can make an heir all by myself!" He jumped to his feet and grinned. "DASTARDOS! Fetch my DNA extraction equipment!"

"Uh, weren't the last four cloning attempts enough?" Dastardos grimaced as he thought of the Ruffians. He really didn't want another failed Pester clone running around.

"Fifth time's the charm!" Pester laughed. "Come on, off you go!"

Dastardos made a mental note to kill whatever monstrosity came out of Pester's cloning machine as he drifted towards the door.

"Hmm…" Pester pondered as Dastardos reached the door. "IDEEEEA~!"

Dastardos winced and chewed on his lip. He knew the next thing that would come out of Pester's mouth would be terribly infuriating.

"Perhaps we should try cloning _you_ instead this time! Our foolish visitor left his shovel in the hallway; go grab that and use it to slice off a sample of your hair!" Pester clapped his hands together joyously.

Dastardos cringed and turned his head to face his boss, who was grinning expectantly.

"Go on!" Pester flicked his wrist at Dastardos, speaking as if he was talking to a small child.

Dastardos groaned and floated through the door, down the hall, past the shovel, and out into the night. He'd had it up to here with his boss; he was willing to deal with the consequences in the morning if it meant he could go home now.

Professor Pester sat in his chair for about fifteen minutes waiting for Dastardos to return. _Oh, that's right, he's half blind thanks to me,_ Pester thought with an amused look on his mask as he whirled his chair to face his computer monitor. _Must be having trouble finding the shovel in the dark. Too bad for him!_

Pester spent about an hour griefing people on a gardening forum before he realized just how much time had passed. "Damn it, where IS that boy?" Pester slammed his palms on the desk again and hoisted himself to his feet. "Ugh, I should have known he'd leave!" He fished in his pocket for his Alert System and dialed Dastardos' number. He got no answer, but he began screaming at Dastardos' voicemail.

"DASTARDOS, IF YOU DON'T GET BACK HERE AND LET ME CLONE YOU I _SWEAR_ THAT I WILL GRAB THE SHOVEL IN THE HALLWAY AND-"

Dastardos stabbed a finger into his Alert System's _End_ button until Pester's voice trailed off into perfect silence.

"Sorry, Professor…" he murmured as he slipped the system back into his pocket. "I'm a little busy at the moment." He grinned sadistically as his one good eye swept over a brand new garden like a prison spotlight. Five sick Whirlms, a sick Squazzil, and two sick Pretztails dotted the small dirt landscape, pale and gasping. Dastardos had no idea how a garden could get this bad, but he wasn't about to complain.

He twitched his hand and his staff appeared in it, his grin widening.

This was going to be a fun way to vent his frustrations…


End file.
